Submissions

TW self harm and suicidal ideation, ideological terminology I had already felt bad about being white due to how I was taught history, and being subjected to a lot of jokes and comments from my highschool friends that would humiliate or shame me for my race (which teachers did nothing to stop), but then I became a far leftist in 2020 and believed all the race ideology I was taught, because if you don’t believe it you are labeled an ignorant complicit racist. The idea that white people are inherently oppressive and people of every other race are innocent victims who need protection from the inherently bad and dangerous white people was very damaging. And the culture of viewing modern white people through the lens of powerful historical white people. And also constantly being in environments where white people were the bottom of the social hierarchy, where hostility towards them was celebrated and used to signal moral righteousness, where anything a white person did was considered racism, where people of any non-white race were considered more important, knowledgeable, and deserving, reinforced the idea that white people are inferior and bad and worthless. I still feel unconscious disgust when I see white people due to this. What is worse is that any racial pain a white person experiences is treated as a joke, or as “white fragility”, so any advice for them is to “take accountability for their privilege” or “unlearn white supremacy” which is just more triggering and completely ignores the problem. But everyone has been so indoctrinated into this rigid narrative that my trauma can only be seen as proof of my inherent “privilege” or ignorance or racism. This pain is completely invisible. It can be right in front of someone and they just can’t see it. There is 0 research or professional acknowledgement of this kind of trauma, because it is so taboo researchers won’t touch it. Because if they acknowledged my trauma they would have to admit that the ideology every academic institution strictly follows is flawed and harmful. It is impossible to even set boundaries with race topics, because that will be seen as “fragility”. You can’t even rationalize it to yourself, because you are made to see any pain a white person feels about their race as a joke and any comfort as satire due to the media. I have self harmed a lot especially when I was in college when everything we studied was about race and reinforced the “evil white, good everyone else” narrative. I have also made suicide attempts. The mental illness causes panic attacks, meltdowns, dissociation episodes, psychosomatic pain, and constant fear. I cannot see leftist ideological terminology such as “POC” or “systemic racism” without having trauma responses, because those words have been used to exclude me and to separate me from empathy or humanity. This trauma is putting real danger on my life, far outweighing any kind of abstract statistical “privilege” I am said to experience. This whole thing has made me completely lose faith in the left and view leftists as people who want to hurt me.